Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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