I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
