So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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