I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
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Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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