i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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