I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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