Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
