Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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