Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
