People with herpes should wear stickers.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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