Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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