Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
