I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
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