I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
