Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
