I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
