i will never coherently bang her
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
