remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
