Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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