my mouth tastes like poor choices
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
