I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
