In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
