I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
