The maid of honor just puked.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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