wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
