I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
