I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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