You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
