I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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