I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
