I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
