Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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