I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
