My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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