The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
