My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
