I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
