I haven't been this sober since birth.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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