I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
