Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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