He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
