for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
