He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
