If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
