I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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