Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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