He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
