Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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