Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
