so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
