finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
