Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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