it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
